Going or not going?

According to the papers, yes, I’m going. But will I? Deep inside my heart, I wish something could just happen that would stop me from going.

I felt very heavy in the heart this morning while sending Princess’s stuff to my MIL’s home. Can I leave her? Hmm.. the plan is to send her and Bibik to MIL’s tomorrow morning, and then Darling will send me to the airport.

*Sigh*. Where can I find the strength to leave Princess behind? I know. In our hearts. I guess Princess is aware of what’s going on. She just can’t see me or else, she would scream for me. She would want me to hold her, refusing anyone else but me.

5 weeks. I need the strength. I don’t want to collapse. I’ll see this as my last “fight”. Then I’ll retreat regardless I win or lose.

Right now, in my mind, I curl myself into a tight ball wishing that Darling and Princess could be with me always.  I’m worried. Extremely worried.

I know I’ll miss them so much. Now, let’s pack the worn clothes into the bag…….

Lately, she insists on sleeping right next to me. She would cry and cry out loud if I put her on her bed, even if she’s been sleeping soundly.

Does Princess know? Did she understand what I said to her a couple of weeks back?

Every evening, no one can hold her except me. She would cling to me, so strong as if she’d fall from my arms, even if I hold her tightly.

I rock her to sleep, until at one point, she won’t open her eyes even if I kiss her non-stop. Even if I play with her hands, she won’t budge. But the moment I put her on her bed, she would open her eyes and starts crying. Oh my, Princess, you’re tearing my heart.

The more you cry, honey, the more I feel like curling myself into a tight ball, hoping that I don’t have to go.

Would that happen? We’ll see…..

I noticed a lot of new stuff about Princess lately.

I wrote about her now being able to sit. Oh tell me about it, she could sit for a longer time now while playing and reaching stuff around her and play with them.

Yesterday I noticed that she could understand somehow what we said to her. For example, “sayanggg” she would kiss anything in front of her. “Jom” will make her looking at her flask, milk, bottles and such aaannnd the bags.. as if she wants us to pack them all up. Hehe..

But still the best moment of all, is the moment I walk into the room, her eyes will light up and she will smile from ear to ear, chuckling, and put out her hands - reaching out to me, asking me to hold her.